EATONTOWN, NJ - A WARNING TO DO-IT-YOURSELFERS AROUND THE WORLD: Fire and rescue crews responded to an explosion and subsequent fire Saturday, July 19, 2008 to find Isias Vidal Maceda dazed and disoriented, but otherwise in remarkably good condition.
"I dunno wat happen.", he kept muttering, as rescue personnel worked to record his vitals and to ensure he was stabilized.
As police queried the hapless victim, the story emerged of a frustrated tenant tired of battling insect pests. "They're everywhere. I can't stand 'em.", said Isias Vidal Maceda. "Nuttin' I did worked. And then it came to me..."
He decided that simple methods would just not do, and thus prepared an all out attack. "I got these aerosols, ya' see, and by gum I got enuff to get 'em for good." For this assault Mr. Maceda was prepared to win not just the battle, but the war.
So with a lot of gumption, and a hefty dose of determination, Mr. Maceda set to work. He was dilligent in his method, and consistant in following the directions from the "do-it-yourself guru".
"I had 'em, I tell ya'. I was closing in on 'em."
No one knows exactly how it happened, and even Mr. Maceda is unsure. Perhaps in his zeal and lust for the kill, he forgot boundaries, or discarded protocol. Some have hypothesized a type of temporary insanity, and young, hungry legal eagles are circling like vultures, looking to get their name immortalized in a law textbook. Who knows, with a building owner none too happy, Maceda may need all the help he can get.
Perhaps the error was the old "If a little does this, then a LOT will do that..." variety. We may never know for sure as Mr. Maceda is not talking to the press anymore. We only know what Mr. Maceda was intent on the task at hand, when the next thing he knows, there was a huge blast that blew out the front windows of the apartment and left Mr. Maceda stunned and dazed.
"My ears are still ringing.", he said.
According to the New York Daily News, the blast triggered a fire in the New Jersey apartment that quickly spread from the kitchen. As firefighters battled the flames, curious onlookers were held back by police.
Rumors of "larger than normal" unsects have spread in the apartment complex and nearby buildings. A bag lady with an elaborate coifure and new shopping cart claims to heve seen the insect pests "glowing" in the darkness and shadows around the neighborhood, and it has been reported that the Florida-based National Enquirer scooped actual photos of insect survivors. (I have included one such photo below, after much wrangling with the photographer, who I promised not to name.)
According to Reuters, 80 per cent of the apartment was destroyed. "Police told the newspaper that the Saturday blaze also caused smoke damage to the apartment above.", reported Reuters.
Maceda was treated for minor smoke inhalation and released. Amazingly, there have been no reported causalities or injuries among the apartment's original insect tenants.
I have been able to speak with an expert on the matter. Roy Huling of United Pest Control, holds one of the oldest license certification numbers in the U.S.A., and is firm in his advice. "I have never seen them glow-in-the-dark", he said. "It would sure make our job a lot easier."
But then, he did admit that he has never encountered a do-it-yourself type that blew up his own apartment before, either, and follows with, "I don't know what he was using. There are many flamable substances people have tried, even certain insecticides are themselves flamable."
The best advice for the rest of us? Acording to Mr. Huling, "Leave it to the professionals. We are licensed by the government and trained in handling dangerous products safely."
For Isias Vidal Maceda, this good advice comes a little too late.